Pissed off

I am moving out for Phuket in 32 hours, and yet I feel a sense of foreboding that something bad is going to happen. She is avoiding me somehow, and I'm not sure why. Calling me an airhead? Haha, that I can take it, but then she is missing out in every small detail. It is as if the mutual understanding between us has been lost somewhere during her crazy period of examinations. I tried to be understanding but I just cannot shake off the feeling that something is wrong in the midst of what is happening now.

Nope, we aren't even quarreling right now. But i sense a communication gap between us. Maybe something is going to happen after the trip? I was planning to talk it out, but there was no chance to. I have been sleeping earlier these days because my body clock had been adjusted due to my work commitments for the past few weeks.

I hope all my plans are not going to get screwed up just because of her actions. She is not going to stay over and I am afraid that things might happen because of miscommunication. I don't want anything to screw up, argh. I just dont like it.

Maybe I am just fretting too much over the issue. Maybe things are not what I had expected. Maybe I am just selfish.

I just feel pissed off. period.

PASS!

Oh My God! I am just so happy that I can dance around like a retarded drunkard right now. I finally passed my Traffic Police Driving Test with only 16 demerit points!

After 1.5 months of lessons and 3 months of waiting, I finally am able to get my driver's license. Woo~ I was the only person in my family that did not know how to drive. Finally, I held the last missing puzzle piece -  my whole family can drive now.

It was a tough time when I had to take out time out of my work and personal schedule for the driving lessons. I was thinking, if others can do it, why can't I? In the end, I managed to pass on my first attempt. If not, I had to pay more at around $300. I think the total costs amount up to below $2000, which I am quite proud of. I'm glad that I was able to complete everything by 15 lessons (which is very very little btw) before enrolling for the practical test.

16 Demerit Points were what I got for the test. I remember the tester saying "Wa, Ni Hen Heng ar (Wa, you are very lucky). I guess luck played a big part for my test. If I ever hit the kerb in the circuit, I think I would have failed the test terribly. That would be 10 points if I stroked the kerb. Oh well, it doesn't matter now.

What matters is that I HAVE PASSED! :D

First Driving Lesson Since January

Woah, finally... My Driving Test is approaching on the 23rd March. I have been waiting for this day man haha. I just hope that I can pass the test and start driving where I want to! But of course there will be another problem after that - the availability of a car to drive.

I had my first driving lesson since January and it has really been a long time since I have driven the car. Surprisingly, I handled the 4-wheeler quite well today (: My bad habits were still present though. I keep forgetting to check the blind spot. Luckily I got a very friendly and talkative instructor that made me feel comfortable within the car. I was able to feel confident about my skills and voila, I didn't fare that badly at all. I even managed to alight at the bus stop near my house, and not go back to the driving centre. Haha, it was the first time I could do this because the school had just moved to Woodlands which is very near my house. I think I will just keep doing that till i pass the test (:

Just hope that Kai Xin can feel better and cruise through this period. She won't be 'crusing' definitely, but i hope that she can make it in one piece. University has her struggling in her academics. It really hurts to see her like that. I cannot do much, but only stand by her side.

Tomorrow I am going to have my bone scan done on my left ankle. I just have a feeling that the cracks are still there, and hasn't healed yet. It has already been 6 months since I started on Glucosamine. Just hope everything goes well tomorrow (:

Life is full of obstacles. They are there for people to break them down.

Ah, like what Randy Paush has mentioned in his Last Lecture - 'Brick Walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough.' Life indeed till now has been full of obstacles for me.

Handling the injury of the stress fracture in my left ankle isn't easy at all. Imagine walking and you feel that you need to make a conscious effort to make sure that you are walking straight, or look normal when walking. It aches every morning and night. I think I have rheumatism already...

And now the problem about choosing universities. I really want to succeed in life. Succeed - as in I want a rich life, not in the materialistic aspect but an adventurous life that will be both purposeful and fun. Which university and course to enroll in so that I can ensure that?

I have already a few top choices here:

NTU: Accountancy
NUS: Industrial and Systems Engineering
SMU: Accountancy
SUTD: Engineering Systems and Design

I believe that getting a professional degree will be better than getting a general one. The set of skills you obtain in Accountancy or Engineering will be essential, I think, in the future. That is why I am thinking of applying overseas too, to Imperial College for their Engineering Course. But the only Engineering course i can apply to is their Chemical Engineering, because I didn't take up Physics in JC. If only I did that... But oh well, what's over is over. I have to focus on what I have now.

It is really frustrating to choose a university that will suit you, because you will never know until you are enrolled into those universities. I don't think I can believe what others say about the life there, because ultimately I am so different from them. So will it be luck that determines where I am going to go? I don't want to miss out any opportunities, so I am just going to give my best for the applications to all these universities.

And SUTD finally released more information about their Curriculum System and Admission matters. Oh boy, they really demand differently from the other universities. Design? I'm interested in them, but I am not too sure if I have any outstanding work that I can display to them. But I am just going to try anyway. Collaboration with MIT is no joke... That's like saying you are going to work with the world's greatest geniuses. Imagine the career opportunities and prospects after graduating from there! But I will be part of the pioneer batch if I were to apply for it. Though it is still not so recognized in the region, I think it'll be quite fun to be part of the pioneers in SUTD too. Haha.

Will everything be okay? It definitely won't be. I just have to hold on myself and tell myself to believe that I can pass all these trials - my busy schedule for these few weeks. A sneak peek into this week:

17th - NTU Accountancy Interview
18th - Driving Lesson
19th - Bone Scan, Driving Lesson
20th - SUTD Briefing + Commissioning Parade
21st - Floorball Match versus Merahan Gunners

And the driving test on 23rd! Just hope that I can really refresh all my driving skills in the upcoming lessons. Oh well, I should start preparing for tomorrow's work and tuition.

Good luck to myself :/

Bad Performance, but still a Win.

Man, today's match was disastrous. Everyone was playing really bad, but in the end we still managed to win. Well first to start, we didn't have a lot of our players that turned up for the first period of the match. The twins, Soffian and Desmond. 2 defenders and 2 of our best attackers not around for the first period wasn't really good news for our already very small team.

So the first period began and we conceded the first goal within the first 5 minutes. It was definitely a devastating blow to our morale because all the time for the last few matches, we had almost always scored the first goal of the match. We realised that this game was not going to be easy. We managed to snatch back 2 goals in the first period, but only to concede another goal before the end of the first period.

During the 2nd period, Desmond, Soffian and the twins arrived. Although they were late, I still want to say that we were lucky that they still came even though they were cooped up at the open house in NTU. If they did not, I wonder how we were going to win the game.

The game ended with a score of 6-5, with us winning. It was a bad day for all of us as we knew that we were not performing up to our usual standard. Well, I guess that all teams have such bad times, like what Liverpool is having now.

I want to contribute more to the team by scoring goals and giving assists. But with my current injured self, I am afraid that my contribution will just end before the season ends. I have to take good care of my ankle because the pain is worsening after physio. I think I will have to stop the physio exercise soon. It wasn't even aching before physio.

Hope that we emerge as runner-ups at least for the season (:

Tired

Argh.. I'm tired, I do not know why. I just feel light headed and can't really focus on things. I think there is something wrong with my sleeping and resting cycle at night. I have to get it back to normal.

With all my night driving lessons and late nights, I think it is taking a toll on my body. Damn, and there are so many things to settle. Driving, SAT, projects and birthdays. Phew...

I hope everything goes smoothly.

Another Cycle...

Sigh, I saw the faces of my parents after I stepped into the house. It's happening again, or actually, it was already in the process. Damn, why can't my family have a peaceful time? Must it end up in divorce?

Nope, only my mother is considering divorce. And she is really pissing my dad off. Honestly, I am on my Dad's side. My mother just keep thinking that as long as she stays away from our family, all problems will be solved. She just does not understand the situation around her. Her thinking is not logical at all. This is getting too much out of our hands, and we know, that this may implicate others too. We have no choice, she just keep saying the words 'divorce'.

My father is really out of things to say already. Anything we say will be easily countered by mum. No matter what we try to say to her, it is all useless. Now she wants to call her friends, to ask how to find a lawyer. Omg... She is disturbing other people, and deliberately trying to show that she is the 'innocent' one.

You know... I don't really care anymore... If she can't realise what she has done wrong, then we shall all have to take the hard way...

Family Problems

I didn't notice anything wrong when I first stepped into the house today. I was back from driving lesson, at 11pm and my dad asked my if there was work tomorrow. It seemed like the usual situation I see every time when my parents are home. What I did not know was what had happened.

After washing up, I heard the sobs of my mother. And what I thought was "Here it goes again, the roller coaster ride for the whole family". Sigh, why does this always have to happen? From the conversations between my mother and father, it seems that it is majorly about Christianity and stuff. Seriously, I do not know why my mother is really so uptight about the issue. She even wants to matchmake us instead of us going to find our own girlfriends... -.-

What era are we in now and who does that? And she keep comparing with other families and fabricating lies, thinking her own world is the whole world itself. She is like a frog in a well, and she has had a sheltered life from don't know when. Along with her stubborn attitude, she never ever admits her mistake. She said her only solution is that she disappears from this world. What my father said perfectly makes sense to me, but she does not understand a single word. Anything from the Bible, or what we have learnt from church, my father tries to apply in his words. But still, she always think the otherwise which in actual, is almost entirely wrong.

She can say my father is lying, when he is actually telling the truth. She likes to twist the facts and make stories up (or just twist them) into her favour, causing so many rifts between us and others like our relatives, friends and other people. We really have tried to do what we can, by giving in to her. But the cycle just never ends. It has become worse and these quarrels and nonsense repeats itself at a higher frequency.

Yes, we all do believe in God. But yet, she still keeps thinking of negative things, and try to make use of what has happened negatively in the past against us. TOO NEGATIVE. She thinks that whatever she does is useless, but that is not true at all. When can ever our words reach her? We try to console or tell her truth, but all she does is to rebuke us in a loud voice.

Mum, do you know that you always use a very loud voice to convey your every word? Mum, do you ever realise why you don't have that many friends at all? Do you know why they left you?

This problem has been recurring for many years, but the effect is now getting more obvious. They touched on the issue of divorce a few months ago, but fortunately, nothing happened. My father has been very patient and caring, but he is losing it every second my mother goes bonkers. She even has problems with us using the telephone or my brothers using the car. She loves to use what she has to press against us. It's always on the issue of our car and money.

When she tries to admit, all she can say is that "WE ARE ALWAYS RIGHT" and stuff like that to spite us. We really do not know how to respond, when we are already talking nicely to her and we get this kind of reply from her.

I really hope this can be salvaged. God, at least give us the hope that it can be done. No matter what we do, we always disappoint in the end. It gets worse, and we can't do anything else. As she expresses herself, all the other family members only feel pain in our hearts. If only she truly understand us...

Christmas 2009

Christmas represents the end of the year, and mark also the beginning of a new year, and a new decade - 2010. 2009 has been a bad year for me, and Kai Xin. 'A' Level Results, OOC and many more for me. I just hope that when the new year arrives, everything can start to go smoothly for all of us.

I didn't expect Kai Xin to come visit me on Christmas eve, it was a pleasant surprise for me. She had been gone at Taiwan for the past week, and it was time to meet especially on this Christmas Eve and Day. However, things went bad as we realised that we lost her mobile phone. It really dampened the mood and it was bizarre as how the phone be just gone like that. It was all the while in the bag, and I carried it for her. She didn't take it out at all. Worse, the battery was flat, and we could not call through the line to her phone. What can I say? Unlucky.

7 Days 6 Nights

YEAH!

You are finally coming back haha, and I have been using my time well for this week. Just hope that you are safe and sound and that you come back satisfied and happy. Yet, I still have no news of which your flight is. It's going to be a hard guess, so should I come and fetch you?

Maybe yes or no. You asked me not to, but I feel like I want to.

Hope everything goes well when you come back, and I'll pray for you.

Just want to see you ASAP :D

75/09 Commissioning Parade

The heart aches, but it will not matter anymore. Being present at all my batch mates' Commissioning Parade makes me both envious and excited for them. From this day onwards, they will embark on a journey that will challenge their leadership and adaptation. Yet, I am no longer a part of them. Damn.. However, it paid off with the 8 to 5 clerical job i have and the less responsiblities that I have to carry.

Others say I'm lucky. Well, I am not so actually. Never did I know that expressing interest in being a Pilot in BMT will lead to so much trouble and angst. During the Medical Examination, the doctor found an abnormality in the ECG of my heart, leading me to the notorious "OOC" status that I am still stuck with. In August, I downgraded to PES E9L9 due to a stress fracture in the left tibia/fibula of my left ankle after playing soccer. It was painful and I could not walk for almost a week. With that, I didn't get posted to be a Combat Medic and I got to be a clerk in OCS Bravo Wing.

And that is why I get to watch my own batch's Commissioning Parade. It was glamorous, and I could see the sweat and blood they have all put in into the process of transition from a OCT to a 2LT. I could be one of them... I could be. But, I should not think too much about it, because it is almost too impossible to recourse and become an officer cadet again. Even if I become one, it will be difficult because, as all my OOC friends say, that the mates we have around us by then will be so much different: either they are from polytechnics, or they are going to be 1 year your junior. Imagine that you were just helping your junior for their 'A' Levels and suddenly a year later, you are all officer cadets again. It is just plain weird, even though you may say that you will do whatever you can to achieve what you want. It isn't that easy.

Another thing to worry about is your ORD date. If I recourse, I have to extend till I ORD just before I get into university. And that will suck because all my friends will be working in CV or going overseas backpacking, leaving me behind to count down to my ORD date.

Oh well, I just said not to think so much, and yet I have written so much about it haha. It is regret, and I hope I can just leave it behind me, though I know it is still going to haunt me even till I tell my sons the stories of National Service in Singapore.

Let's not talk about the regrets anymore. It's over, and I should make full use of the time I have now to:

1) Work out my body
2) Earn more money
3) Learn Driving
4) Take SAT
5) Learn about stocks
6) Decide on my future career

The most mind-boggling thing that I have to do is number 6. I really really have no idea what I want to do. Just to list it down, I am currently considering the following courses:

NUS:
Medicine
Eng & Business/Econs Double Degree

NTU:
Business & Acc Dble Degree

SMU:
Business & Acc Dble Degree

Damn, so many double degrees haha. And I think I should consider more single degrees. But at least it is a start to what I want to study. It all won't matter that much once I start studying in University. I still have time to choose, so I will take my time as I complete all my other tasks.

Life in OCS has been fun and I have a quite a lot of freedom except for the fact that I am bounded from 8 to 5 every week day. Other than that, I get to go out with my friends (who are clearing their leaves and offs right now) and have my own free time at home. I just got back from my 2nd driving lesson in SSDC and I am beat. Driving for 2 hours continuously can be quite tiring, but I think I have gotten used to it. Fortunately, I have a talkative instructor that entertained me with jokes and stories. Just hope that the next few lessons will be smooth-going and that I can complete everything by the end of January.

Yi Fan and Bruno have already posted out. I think Jethro is going to post out because of his PES C9 status too. Damn, no one is going to accompany me to go swim or exercise anymore. Yi Fan is so unlucky. He got posted to ALTI as a Transport Supervisor trainee and he wants to stay with us so much. But we just can't escape from NS right. He told me that he will just continue with the course there. Oh well, he may even get a Class 3 License faster than me -.- So, isn't it like better than being a combat medic or signaller. Consider yourself lucky, Mr Chan. Make full use of everything you learn there, and I hope that you will be happy there. Bruno, on the other hand, has his brain juice sucked out in MINDEF. Apparently, he has to fully engage his brain to do his work, and he usually works OT there. Just hope that his 2 months of attachment will over soon, and that he will learn something useful there.

As for myself, I am just going to be my best for the last month of the year, and welcome a renewed self in 2010. By then, I will have a New Year Resolutions Checklist that I am going to follow strictly for the whole year. Let me just rest before the new year starts. Hehe :D

A Fresh Start

Oh my god, it has been so long since I have ever touched this blog. Lol, it just seems weird when I look at all the previous posts. Oh well, too bad I deleted them all, that's why it is a fresh start. So to summarise up my life right now, well, it is not too good or not too bad. Everything is so-so.

Working (haha, not training) as a wing clerk in OCS right now. The work is boring, and it makes me feel that there is nothing left worth achieving in NS. And now my friends from the same batch are commissioning on the 19th this month, yet I have achieved nothing, just a measly desk job in the same camp as them, for now. It just makes me contemplate about my own potential. Can I really achieve the same standards as my friends who are now 3SG and going-to-be officers? Definitely in CHS, I was quite a high flyer. After JC, it just seemed that my life has been towards a downward spiral with nothing to look forward too. Life for me now seems aimless, though I'm learning the basics of stock market and trying for SAT next year January.

Oh yeah, and talking about the downward spiral, I think it all began with my 'A' Level Results. Getting an 'E' for my GP is seriously no joke. It has been a persistent obstacle for my future. Although the rest of my grades are alright, my GP grade can already kill my chances of getting a good scholarship and even going to my desired course. It was dentistry in the first place, but I think my hands and mouth was not good enough - for the test and interview. For now, I am enrolled in NTU Business. Many have commented that it is still a good course, but I feel as if something is missing - the interest. I don't really know what I want to study, even up to this day. It is a frustration not being able to decide and then act. It is like a KIV just stamped onto ur life.

My relationship has not been that well, I can say. There have been too many ups and downs in it. Just today, I am not really feeling good about it. The heart is aching and yearning, yet there have too many blaming happening across the battlefield - both our faults. This is one of the reason why I have started blogging again. I want to put my feelings into words I can express. It is really difficult and suffocating to hide all the words and emotions beneath my skin. I hope that it can all turn well - no matter where the relationship goes. It is never going to be easy, but I'm not going to give up that easily as well.

I still remember that when I was younger around the age of 15, I told myself that I will live for my friends. Yes, I am still doing that. My friends are really the sources of life for me. Providing me the comfort, the laughter and everything nice. Make no enemies - that was also a principle that I have held onto for a very long time. I hope that I still can maintain that in the future. I have many good friends that I have been meeting up with - the floorball gang and also my army friends. It has been a long time since I met my CHS classmates, NPCC mates and also 07S36. I miss them very much, and that's why I want to go back to school.

Life has been getting harder and harder as the years pass. As we grow older, the number of problems in our mind increases and we stress up. It is not going to be easy I know, and I just hope that I can support myself and get a good and successful life out there. I don't want to be a nobody, I want to be a somebody that people can respect and love. I may still be young, but I feel that I must act fast. And there are just too many ways to do it now in this world. So much so that we ourselves are confused with our choices. Should we stay comfortable? Should we move on? Should we go seek out other choice even though it will result in pain and tears? These are the ordeals that we as growing adults have. No more do we ask for something, we have to go and get it ourselves.

I want to find myself while writing this blog. Not only do I want to be happy and carefree, I want this life, my life, to be as fulfilling as possible.