Sigh, I saw the faces of my parents after I stepped into the house. It's happening again, or actually, it was already in the process. Damn, why can't my family have a peaceful time? Must it end up in divorce?
Nope, only my mother is considering divorce. And she is really pissing my dad off. Honestly, I am on my Dad's side. My mother just keep thinking that as long as she stays away from our family, all problems will be solved. She just does not understand the situation around her. Her thinking is not logical at all. This is getting too much out of our hands, and we know, that this may implicate others too. We have no choice, she just keep saying the words 'divorce'.
My father is really out of things to say already. Anything we say will be easily countered by mum. No matter what we try to say to her, it is all useless. Now she wants to call her friends, to ask how to find a lawyer. Omg... She is disturbing other people, and deliberately trying to show that she is the 'innocent' one.
You know... I don't really care anymore... If she can't realise what she has done wrong, then we shall all have to take the hard way...
Family Problems
I didn't notice anything wrong when I first stepped into the house today. I was back from driving lesson, at 11pm and my dad asked my if there was work tomorrow. It seemed like the usual situation I see every time when my parents are home. What I did not know was what had happened.
After washing up, I heard the sobs of my mother. And what I thought was "Here it goes again, the roller coaster ride for the whole family". Sigh, why does this always have to happen? From the conversations between my mother and father, it seems that it is majorly about Christianity and stuff. Seriously, I do not know why my mother is really so uptight about the issue. She even wants to matchmake us instead of us going to find our own girlfriends... -.-
What era are we in now and who does that? And she keep comparing with other families and fabricating lies, thinking her own world is the whole world itself. She is like a frog in a well, and she has had a sheltered life from don't know when. Along with her stubborn attitude, she never ever admits her mistake. She said her only solution is that she disappears from this world. What my father said perfectly makes sense to me, but she does not understand a single word. Anything from the Bible, or what we have learnt from church, my father tries to apply in his words. But still, she always think the otherwise which in actual, is almost entirely wrong.
She can say my father is lying, when he is actually telling the truth. She likes to twist the facts and make stories up (or just twist them) into her favour, causing so many rifts between us and others like our relatives, friends and other people. We really have tried to do what we can, by giving in to her. But the cycle just never ends. It has become worse and these quarrels and nonsense repeats itself at a higher frequency.
Yes, we all do believe in God. But yet, she still keeps thinking of negative things, and try to make use of what has happened negatively in the past against us. TOO NEGATIVE. She thinks that whatever she does is useless, but that is not true at all. When can ever our words reach her? We try to console or tell her truth, but all she does is to rebuke us in a loud voice.
Mum, do you know that you always use a very loud voice to convey your every word? Mum, do you ever realise why you don't have that many friends at all? Do you know why they left you?
This problem has been recurring for many years, but the effect is now getting more obvious. They touched on the issue of divorce a few months ago, but fortunately, nothing happened. My father has been very patient and caring, but he is losing it every second my mother goes bonkers. She even has problems with us using the telephone or my brothers using the car. She loves to use what she has to press against us. It's always on the issue of our car and money.
When she tries to admit, all she can say is that "WE ARE ALWAYS RIGHT" and stuff like that to spite us. We really do not know how to respond, when we are already talking nicely to her and we get this kind of reply from her.
I really hope this can be salvaged. God, at least give us the hope that it can be done. No matter what we do, we always disappoint in the end. It gets worse, and we can't do anything else. As she expresses herself, all the other family members only feel pain in our hearts. If only she truly understand us...
After washing up, I heard the sobs of my mother. And what I thought was "Here it goes again, the roller coaster ride for the whole family". Sigh, why does this always have to happen? From the conversations between my mother and father, it seems that it is majorly about Christianity and stuff. Seriously, I do not know why my mother is really so uptight about the issue. She even wants to matchmake us instead of us going to find our own girlfriends... -.-
What era are we in now and who does that? And she keep comparing with other families and fabricating lies, thinking her own world is the whole world itself. She is like a frog in a well, and she has had a sheltered life from don't know when. Along with her stubborn attitude, she never ever admits her mistake. She said her only solution is that she disappears from this world. What my father said perfectly makes sense to me, but she does not understand a single word. Anything from the Bible, or what we have learnt from church, my father tries to apply in his words. But still, she always think the otherwise which in actual, is almost entirely wrong.
She can say my father is lying, when he is actually telling the truth. She likes to twist the facts and make stories up (or just twist them) into her favour, causing so many rifts between us and others like our relatives, friends and other people. We really have tried to do what we can, by giving in to her. But the cycle just never ends. It has become worse and these quarrels and nonsense repeats itself at a higher frequency.
Yes, we all do believe in God. But yet, she still keeps thinking of negative things, and try to make use of what has happened negatively in the past against us. TOO NEGATIVE. She thinks that whatever she does is useless, but that is not true at all. When can ever our words reach her? We try to console or tell her truth, but all she does is to rebuke us in a loud voice.
Mum, do you know that you always use a very loud voice to convey your every word? Mum, do you ever realise why you don't have that many friends at all? Do you know why they left you?
This problem has been recurring for many years, but the effect is now getting more obvious. They touched on the issue of divorce a few months ago, but fortunately, nothing happened. My father has been very patient and caring, but he is losing it every second my mother goes bonkers. She even has problems with us using the telephone or my brothers using the car. She loves to use what she has to press against us. It's always on the issue of our car and money.
When she tries to admit, all she can say is that "WE ARE ALWAYS RIGHT" and stuff like that to spite us. We really do not know how to respond, when we are already talking nicely to her and we get this kind of reply from her.
I really hope this can be salvaged. God, at least give us the hope that it can be done. No matter what we do, we always disappoint in the end. It gets worse, and we can't do anything else. As she expresses herself, all the other family members only feel pain in our hearts. If only she truly understand us...
Christmas 2009
Posted by
Sebastian Toh
on Friday, December 25, 2009
/
Christmas represents the end of the year, and mark also the beginning of a new year, and a new decade - 2010. 2009 has been a bad year for me, and Kai Xin. 'A' Level Results, OOC and many more for me. I just hope that when the new year arrives, everything can start to go smoothly for all of us.
I didn't expect Kai Xin to come visit me on Christmas eve, it was a pleasant surprise for me. She had been gone at Taiwan for the past week, and it was time to meet especially on this Christmas Eve and Day. However, things went bad as we realised that we lost her mobile phone. It really dampened the mood and it was bizarre as how the phone be just gone like that. It was all the while in the bag, and I carried it for her. She didn't take it out at all. Worse, the battery was flat, and we could not call through the line to her phone. What can I say? Unlucky.
I didn't expect Kai Xin to come visit me on Christmas eve, it was a pleasant surprise for me. She had been gone at Taiwan for the past week, and it was time to meet especially on this Christmas Eve and Day. However, things went bad as we realised that we lost her mobile phone. It really dampened the mood and it was bizarre as how the phone be just gone like that. It was all the while in the bag, and I carried it for her. She didn't take it out at all. Worse, the battery was flat, and we could not call through the line to her phone. What can I say? Unlucky.
7 Days 6 Nights
Posted by
Sebastian Toh
on Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Labels:
Life,
Relationship
/
YEAH!
You are finally coming back haha, and I have been using my time well for this week. Just hope that you are safe and sound and that you come back satisfied and happy. Yet, I still have no news of which your flight is. It's going to be a hard guess, so should I come and fetch you?
Maybe yes or no. You asked me not to, but I feel like I want to.
Hope everything goes well when you come back, and I'll pray for you.
Just want to see you ASAP :D
You are finally coming back haha, and I have been using my time well for this week. Just hope that you are safe and sound and that you come back satisfied and happy. Yet, I still have no news of which your flight is. It's going to be a hard guess, so should I come and fetch you?
Maybe yes or no. You asked me not to, but I feel like I want to.
Hope everything goes well when you come back, and I'll pray for you.
Just want to see you ASAP :D
75/09 Commissioning Parade
The heart aches, but it will not matter anymore. Being present at all my batch mates' Commissioning Parade makes me both envious and excited for them. From this day onwards, they will embark on a journey that will challenge their leadership and adaptation. Yet, I am no longer a part of them. Damn.. However, it paid off with the 8 to 5 clerical job i have and the less responsiblities that I have to carry.
Others say I'm lucky. Well, I am not so actually. Never did I know that expressing interest in being a Pilot in BMT will lead to so much trouble and angst. During the Medical Examination, the doctor found an abnormality in the ECG of my heart, leading me to the notorious "OOC" status that I am still stuck with. In August, I downgraded to PES E9L9 due to a stress fracture in the left tibia/fibula of my left ankle after playing soccer. It was painful and I could not walk for almost a week. With that, I didn't get posted to be a Combat Medic and I got to be a clerk in OCS Bravo Wing.
And that is why I get to watch my own batch's Commissioning Parade. It was glamorous, and I could see the sweat and blood they have all put in into the process of transition from a OCT to a 2LT. I could be one of them... I could be. But, I should not think too much about it, because it is almost too impossible to recourse and become an officer cadet again. Even if I become one, it will be difficult because, as all my OOC friends say, that the mates we have around us by then will be so much different: either they are from polytechnics, or they are going to be 1 year your junior. Imagine that you were just helping your junior for their 'A' Levels and suddenly a year later, you are all officer cadets again. It is just plain weird, even though you may say that you will do whatever you can to achieve what you want. It isn't that easy.
Another thing to worry about is your ORD date. If I recourse, I have to extend till I ORD just before I get into university. And that will suck because all my friends will be working in CV or going overseas backpacking, leaving me behind to count down to my ORD date.
Oh well, I just said not to think so much, and yet I have written so much about it haha. It is regret, and I hope I can just leave it behind me, though I know it is still going to haunt me even till I tell my sons the stories of National Service in Singapore.
Let's not talk about the regrets anymore. It's over, and I should make full use of the time I have now to:
1) Work out my body
2) Earn more money
3) Learn Driving
4) Take SAT
5) Learn about stocks
6) Decide on my future career
The most mind-boggling thing that I have to do is number 6. I really really have no idea what I want to do. Just to list it down, I am currently considering the following courses:
NUS:
Medicine
Eng & Business/Econs Double Degree
NTU:
Business & Acc Dble Degree
SMU:
Business & Acc Dble Degree
Damn, so many double degrees haha. And I think I should consider more single degrees. But at least it is a start to what I want to study. It all won't matter that much once I start studying in University. I still have time to choose, so I will take my time as I complete all my other tasks.
Life in OCS has been fun and I have a quite a lot of freedom except for the fact that I am bounded from 8 to 5 every week day. Other than that, I get to go out with my friends (who are clearing their leaves and offs right now) and have my own free time at home. I just got back from my 2nd driving lesson in SSDC and I am beat. Driving for 2 hours continuously can be quite tiring, but I think I have gotten used to it. Fortunately, I have a talkative instructor that entertained me with jokes and stories. Just hope that the next few lessons will be smooth-going and that I can complete everything by the end of January.
Yi Fan and Bruno have already posted out. I think Jethro is going to post out because of his PES C9 status too. Damn, no one is going to accompany me to go swim or exercise anymore. Yi Fan is so unlucky. He got posted to ALTI as a Transport Supervisor trainee and he wants to stay with us so much. But we just can't escape from NS right. He told me that he will just continue with the course there. Oh well, he may even get a Class 3 License faster than me -.- So, isn't it like better than being a combat medic or signaller. Consider yourself lucky, Mr Chan. Make full use of everything you learn there, and I hope that you will be happy there. Bruno, on the other hand, has his brain juice sucked out in MINDEF. Apparently, he has to fully engage his brain to do his work, and he usually works OT there. Just hope that his 2 months of attachment will over soon, and that he will learn something useful there.
As for myself, I am just going to be my best for the last month of the year, and welcome a renewed self in 2010. By then, I will have a New Year Resolutions Checklist that I am going to follow strictly for the whole year. Let me just rest before the new year starts. Hehe :D
Others say I'm lucky. Well, I am not so actually. Never did I know that expressing interest in being a Pilot in BMT will lead to so much trouble and angst. During the Medical Examination, the doctor found an abnormality in the ECG of my heart, leading me to the notorious "OOC" status that I am still stuck with. In August, I downgraded to PES E9L9 due to a stress fracture in the left tibia/fibula of my left ankle after playing soccer. It was painful and I could not walk for almost a week. With that, I didn't get posted to be a Combat Medic and I got to be a clerk in OCS Bravo Wing.
And that is why I get to watch my own batch's Commissioning Parade. It was glamorous, and I could see the sweat and blood they have all put in into the process of transition from a OCT to a 2LT. I could be one of them... I could be. But, I should not think too much about it, because it is almost too impossible to recourse and become an officer cadet again. Even if I become one, it will be difficult because, as all my OOC friends say, that the mates we have around us by then will be so much different: either they are from polytechnics, or they are going to be 1 year your junior. Imagine that you were just helping your junior for their 'A' Levels and suddenly a year later, you are all officer cadets again. It is just plain weird, even though you may say that you will do whatever you can to achieve what you want. It isn't that easy.
Another thing to worry about is your ORD date. If I recourse, I have to extend till I ORD just before I get into university. And that will suck because all my friends will be working in CV or going overseas backpacking, leaving me behind to count down to my ORD date.
Oh well, I just said not to think so much, and yet I have written so much about it haha. It is regret, and I hope I can just leave it behind me, though I know it is still going to haunt me even till I tell my sons the stories of National Service in Singapore.
Let's not talk about the regrets anymore. It's over, and I should make full use of the time I have now to:
1) Work out my body
2) Earn more money
3) Learn Driving
4) Take SAT
5) Learn about stocks
6) Decide on my future career
The most mind-boggling thing that I have to do is number 6. I really really have no idea what I want to do. Just to list it down, I am currently considering the following courses:
NUS:
Medicine
Eng & Business/Econs Double Degree
NTU:
Business & Acc Dble Degree
SMU:
Business & Acc Dble Degree
Damn, so many double degrees haha. And I think I should consider more single degrees. But at least it is a start to what I want to study. It all won't matter that much once I start studying in University. I still have time to choose, so I will take my time as I complete all my other tasks.
Life in OCS has been fun and I have a quite a lot of freedom except for the fact that I am bounded from 8 to 5 every week day. Other than that, I get to go out with my friends (who are clearing their leaves and offs right now) and have my own free time at home. I just got back from my 2nd driving lesson in SSDC and I am beat. Driving for 2 hours continuously can be quite tiring, but I think I have gotten used to it. Fortunately, I have a talkative instructor that entertained me with jokes and stories. Just hope that the next few lessons will be smooth-going and that I can complete everything by the end of January.
Yi Fan and Bruno have already posted out. I think Jethro is going to post out because of his PES C9 status too. Damn, no one is going to accompany me to go swim or exercise anymore. Yi Fan is so unlucky. He got posted to ALTI as a Transport Supervisor trainee and he wants to stay with us so much. But we just can't escape from NS right. He told me that he will just continue with the course there. Oh well, he may even get a Class 3 License faster than me -.- So, isn't it like better than being a combat medic or signaller. Consider yourself lucky, Mr Chan. Make full use of everything you learn there, and I hope that you will be happy there. Bruno, on the other hand, has his brain juice sucked out in MINDEF. Apparently, he has to fully engage his brain to do his work, and he usually works OT there. Just hope that his 2 months of attachment will over soon, and that he will learn something useful there.
As for myself, I am just going to be my best for the last month of the year, and welcome a renewed self in 2010. By then, I will have a New Year Resolutions Checklist that I am going to follow strictly for the whole year. Let me just rest before the new year starts. Hehe :D
A Fresh Start
Posted by
Sebastian Toh
on Monday, December 14, 2009
Labels:
Life
/
Oh my god, it has been so long since I have ever touched this blog. Lol, it just seems weird when I look at all the previous posts. Oh well, too bad I deleted them all, that's why it is a fresh start. So to summarise up my life right now, well, it is not too good or not too bad. Everything is so-so.
Working (haha, not training) as a wing clerk in OCS right now. The work is boring, and it makes me feel that there is nothing left worth achieving in NS. And now my friends from the same batch are commissioning on the 19th this month, yet I have achieved nothing, just a measly desk job in the same camp as them, for now. It just makes me contemplate about my own potential. Can I really achieve the same standards as my friends who are now 3SG and going-to-be officers? Definitely in CHS, I was quite a high flyer. After JC, it just seemed that my life has been towards a downward spiral with nothing to look forward too. Life for me now seems aimless, though I'm learning the basics of stock market and trying for SAT next year January.
Oh yeah, and talking about the downward spiral, I think it all began with my 'A' Level Results. Getting an 'E' for my GP is seriously no joke. It has been a persistent obstacle for my future. Although the rest of my grades are alright, my GP grade can already kill my chances of getting a good scholarship and even going to my desired course. It was dentistry in the first place, but I think my hands and mouth was not good enough - for the test and interview. For now, I am enrolled in NTU Business. Many have commented that it is still a good course, but I feel as if something is missing - the interest. I don't really know what I want to study, even up to this day. It is a frustration not being able to decide and then act. It is like a KIV just stamped onto ur life.
My relationship has not been that well, I can say. There have been too many ups and downs in it. Just today, I am not really feeling good about it. The heart is aching and yearning, yet there have too many blaming happening across the battlefield - both our faults. This is one of the reason why I have started blogging again. I want to put my feelings into words I can express. It is really difficult and suffocating to hide all the words and emotions beneath my skin. I hope that it can all turn well - no matter where the relationship goes. It is never going to be easy, but I'm not going to give up that easily as well.
I still remember that when I was younger around the age of 15, I told myself that I will live for my friends. Yes, I am still doing that. My friends are really the sources of life for me. Providing me the comfort, the laughter and everything nice. Make no enemies - that was also a principle that I have held onto for a very long time. I hope that I still can maintain that in the future. I have many good friends that I have been meeting up with - the floorball gang and also my army friends. It has been a long time since I met my CHS classmates, NPCC mates and also 07S36. I miss them very much, and that's why I want to go back to school.
Life has been getting harder and harder as the years pass. As we grow older, the number of problems in our mind increases and we stress up. It is not going to be easy I know, and I just hope that I can support myself and get a good and successful life out there. I don't want to be a nobody, I want to be a somebody that people can respect and love. I may still be young, but I feel that I must act fast. And there are just too many ways to do it now in this world. So much so that we ourselves are confused with our choices. Should we stay comfortable? Should we move on? Should we go seek out other choice even though it will result in pain and tears? These are the ordeals that we as growing adults have. No more do we ask for something, we have to go and get it ourselves.
I want to find myself while writing this blog. Not only do I want to be happy and carefree, I want this life, my life, to be as fulfilling as possible.
Working (haha, not training) as a wing clerk in OCS right now. The work is boring, and it makes me feel that there is nothing left worth achieving in NS. And now my friends from the same batch are commissioning on the 19th this month, yet I have achieved nothing, just a measly desk job in the same camp as them, for now. It just makes me contemplate about my own potential. Can I really achieve the same standards as my friends who are now 3SG and going-to-be officers? Definitely in CHS, I was quite a high flyer. After JC, it just seemed that my life has been towards a downward spiral with nothing to look forward too. Life for me now seems aimless, though I'm learning the basics of stock market and trying for SAT next year January.
Oh yeah, and talking about the downward spiral, I think it all began with my 'A' Level Results. Getting an 'E' for my GP is seriously no joke. It has been a persistent obstacle for my future. Although the rest of my grades are alright, my GP grade can already kill my chances of getting a good scholarship and even going to my desired course. It was dentistry in the first place, but I think my hands and mouth was not good enough - for the test and interview. For now, I am enrolled in NTU Business. Many have commented that it is still a good course, but I feel as if something is missing - the interest. I don't really know what I want to study, even up to this day. It is a frustration not being able to decide and then act. It is like a KIV just stamped onto ur life.
My relationship has not been that well, I can say. There have been too many ups and downs in it. Just today, I am not really feeling good about it. The heart is aching and yearning, yet there have too many blaming happening across the battlefield - both our faults. This is one of the reason why I have started blogging again. I want to put my feelings into words I can express. It is really difficult and suffocating to hide all the words and emotions beneath my skin. I hope that it can all turn well - no matter where the relationship goes. It is never going to be easy, but I'm not going to give up that easily as well.
I still remember that when I was younger around the age of 15, I told myself that I will live for my friends. Yes, I am still doing that. My friends are really the sources of life for me. Providing me the comfort, the laughter and everything nice. Make no enemies - that was also a principle that I have held onto for a very long time. I hope that I still can maintain that in the future. I have many good friends that I have been meeting up with - the floorball gang and also my army friends. It has been a long time since I met my CHS classmates, NPCC mates and also 07S36. I miss them very much, and that's why I want to go back to school.
Life has been getting harder and harder as the years pass. As we grow older, the number of problems in our mind increases and we stress up. It is not going to be easy I know, and I just hope that I can support myself and get a good and successful life out there. I don't want to be a nobody, I want to be a somebody that people can respect and love. I may still be young, but I feel that I must act fast. And there are just too many ways to do it now in this world. So much so that we ourselves are confused with our choices. Should we stay comfortable? Should we move on? Should we go seek out other choice even though it will result in pain and tears? These are the ordeals that we as growing adults have. No more do we ask for something, we have to go and get it ourselves.
I want to find myself while writing this blog. Not only do I want to be happy and carefree, I want this life, my life, to be as fulfilling as possible.